Forever Changed

I know that y'all are wanting to know how everything has gone today, so I'll do my best to take you through the morning.  Before I do, let me just add that we are having to replace the transmission in the van, so we will be driving Chris' car this week and they will drive the car down next Friday in time for the party.  What an adventure.  It honestly makes me laugh.  It has been quite a year.

I got to know Cindy and Eric while they were going to law school in Waco. Leah Fish and I were some of Cindy's first friends.  Cindy came to us as a newly wed, straight from Utah with ski gear on top of their car. I would get to know Cindy through many hours of scrapbooking, dinners, and church service.  When Atticus was born, I was involved in her shower, and I remember bringing her a meal.  I still remember that Eric likes pumpkin desserts.  Random.  Cindy and I grew closest during our time serving.  I asked for Cindy to be called as our Compassionate Service Leader in Relief Society.  She was leary of the calling.  It is sometimes very daunting but I knew Cindy's heart was big enough to take on the task.  I was right.  I watched as she worked behind the scenes helping to comfort those that were in need or distress. She was so good at her job.  Living in a transient town, you get used to saying goodbye to friends as they move on to other places, but I missed Cindy when she was gone and tried to keep up with her over the distance.  A comment on her blog.  A text.  Little Facebook messages.  Well wishes.  Packages sent when Isaac was born for both Isaac and Atti. She is a good friend to me and I have treasured her for many years.  I got to see Cindy on the day that they were leaving for their new life in Dallas.  They had sold us her piano and were dropping it off.  I remember smiling at Eric and asking if they were ready for real life now that he was a real lawyer.  I was excited for them and their new life.  Who could have guessed the trial that they would face. 

Today.

Todd and I dropped the van off to be looked at before the funeral and arrived 30 minutes early.  I wanted to get there early to see the flowers, but the cards were missing, so I'm not sure what ours looked like- or the basket sent by my sisters Heather & Leah- oh well.  We were greeted in the chapel by many of our Waco friends whom we grew to love and most of whom had moved away. The Workmans came in from The Woodlands, the Rays from Lewisville, Stephanie Collette drove in from San Antonio as did the Wilsons, the Kerrs came from Tyler, Courtney Welsh came in from Keller, Natalie Dunning & Tonya Kuykendall came from Waco, and Nicole drove in from Fort Worth.  Nicole is a talented photographer and she has captured many beautiful shots of the Hansens over the years.  Atticus is amazingly photogenic.  Such a charmer.  Today Nicole took shots at the burial, which was such a unique gift to be able to give them and I'm grateful to her.  I'm glad she was asked.  No doubt the pictures will speak volumes. I should mention Zeb & Leah Fish were there and (blessedly) live close, and have been on this journey with the Hansens from the beginning.  Cindy couldn't ask for a better friend than Leah Fish.  I told Leah again that I was so grateful she was close and could be the hands and shoulders that I could not be from a distance.  So there we were- a large group of Cindy & Eric's friends- as well as many, many more: ward members, loads of family in from out of state, police officers from Sunnyvale, and new friends- all there to show their respect and to help them get them through this day.  They would need us.

When the casket and family walked in I knew that Cindy was barely keeping it together.  Her sweet face almost in disbelief and she walked slowly staring at the little casket.  Her eyes were wet and glassy- almost unfocused, and her chin quivered the whole time.  As her friend, I wanted to take her away, but this is the walk of a mourning mother- and one that she alone could walk.  Eric, still pained, walked dutifully along- quiet and reflective- followed by the wonderfully close and devoted family members. They were greeted by many beautiful flowers and pews with tissue boxes.  They wore orange, blue, and white.

The service was long, but nicely done.  It began with the congregation singing, "Nearer My God To Thee" which was difficult to get through without wet eyes, but it was only the beginning!  I wanted to keep it together!  Becky Hansen, Eric's Mom gave a really lovely prayer of thanks, and requests for strength.  Cindy's sister-in-law read the obituary and her sister, Stacey, told some precious Atticus stories.  It was good to smile and laugh at this fun little boy's antics.  Then Primary children sang one of his favorite songs, "Scripture Power" lead by Leah Fish.

Cindy then got up, she stood for a while trying to get composure.  She said that she wasn't sure she was strong enough to speak in today's service, but that she wanted to be part of his tribute.  She read a poem that changed my heart.  I hope I can find it so you can read it.  I haven't had any luck yet.  Basically the poem talked about how a little angel conversed with God and (UPDATE: Tonya Kuykendall found it and sent it to me: http://blackhurstfamily.blogspot.com/2012/06/brave-little-soul.html) asked why there was suffering, and God told him that through the suffering, the love is opened.  It goes on to say that God said there are some sent to Earth to open the love, but that they will have to suffer.  The little angel gets excited and exclaims that he would like to be one of the ones to open the love.  God agrees but reminds the angel that he will have to suffer.  God says that He has chosen two people that will guide him through the suffering- to love him through it, and that through them, he will be able to open to love for many, many people.  He says that the suffering will be hard, and when the little angel is ready to return that he just needs to close his eyes and say the words- and he would.  The little angel understood and was born.  Then Cindy gave some brief comments about knowing how Atti was one of those angels and that she looked forward to that day when they could be reunited again- when she could touch his cheeks and kiss his lips.  It was heart wrenching and moving.  She returned to her seat in sobs. What mother should have to say goodbye to their little one?

There was a musical number by a young violinest who played "Abide with Me 'Tis Eventide".  It was incredible- and moving.  Cindy was really struggling by now and you could hear her sobs at times.  Then Eric spoke.  He began by thanking 3 groups of people: his law firm for letting him have off this time to spend  with family- that it was a gift that he could not repay and that he was forever grateful for.  Me too.  He thanked the nurses and doctors who loved their little boy in this difficult journey and made the best efforts to make this as easy as possible.  Then he thanked Atticus' Angels- the people whom have filled in the gaps- making dinners, cleaning the house, being there for the family doing the regular stuff and moving them forward when they seemed so paralyzed.  He started the bulk of this talk by saying that 2 weeks before Atti's diagnosis- he had had a very vivid dream of speaking at Atticus' funeral.  So as they have progressed through this trial, he has always known that this day would come and he would be standing at the pulpit.  He said that he knew Atti was there in attendance, so he would like to address all of his comments to him.  Again- sobs from Cindy.  And the rest of us, in fact the audience was audibly louder. Eric told about the life of this fiery little boy and some of the antics he would pull, the timing was perfect- we as the audience needed to laugh again.  Eric talked about Atti's reaction to all of the struggles; that he had always handled it with humor.  At times, they  would laugh, scratch their head and wonder where he would get this stuff.  Two weeks ago when Atti had gone into a coma, there was a group of people in the room as they performed a spinal tap in the effort to releave the pressure.  During thr process Atti awoke and instead of asking the usual questions- he responded by asking, "Who has been messin' with my underwear?"  And as the room burst into laughter, he followed up by saying, "Laugh it up fuzz ball!".  Eric went on to tell Atticus a series of reasons he had forgiven him- all funny stories about things Atti had done.  Been a back seat driver.  Told Daddy he was a bad singer.  Hit Daddy with a baseball by accident and laughed hysterically. He would follow up with saying, "Atti, I know I have forgiven you because I would give anything to have that happen again."  So we would laugh, and then cry, and then repeat.  The humor helped Cindy get through his talk, though, as he echoed her sweet goodbyes.  The rest of the service was filled with the bishop's remarks and more musical numbers.  The service went over an hour and a half.

We followed the procession that lead to the graveside service.  People came outside to watch the prosession in this tiny Texas town.  The police department, of which Atti was an honorary deputy gave him a grand entrance.  Atti didn't even come in the usual hearse, he arrived in a police vehicile- sirens blaring; I'm sure he was grinning ear-to-ear.  Atti's favorite colors were blue, orange, and white.  So they had a moment where the orange, blue, and white balloons were let go as a song was played on a CD player.  All of the Waco friends formed a little section of the smaller audience as we watched our sweet friends endure a little longer.  By this time Cindy didn't look present.  If I had to guess, actually, I would have guessed shock, or numbness.  She shed no tears, just sat in the mother's spot.  Eventually she was coaxed out to watch the balloons, and let one go herself, but it brought her emotions back too.  Then the grandfather said a very sweet dedicatory prayer over the grave, and it was over.  A few people gave hugs and then there was a brief lull, and the Waco group- or at least a few of us- made our way to Cindy.  Before I got to her, I hugged her Mom- whom I had spent time with- and said something to the fact, I'm not sure you remember me, but she did.  Then I got to Cindy, I hugged her tightly and we cried for a bit, audibly.  Then I took her face in my hands and said, "You've done well.  You only have a little while longer and this horrible day will be over."  She cried and said, "I hope so."  And I moved on.  That's all I wanted her to know.  She had done well.  She was almost done.  I was grateful I got to talk to her, the timing was right.  Immediately after they let the family put a flower on the casket and say goodbye to the little boy in the casket.  Cindy and Eric made sure that Isaac was involved.  Sweet little brother.  Rip your heart out. Painful.  And then they were done.  Cindy and Eric had all they could handle and they left- together- to be alone in the limo for a little while.  It was time.

I learned a great deal from attending this funeral and through this whole ordeal, but most importantly I hope that I have gained a little more insight on how to love.  I kept thinking to myself through the day, how important friendships are.  That through this horrible ordeal, some of Cindy & Eric's faithful cheerleaders traveled near and far to send our love and hold them up in their darkest hour- through Facebook posts, through letters, through meals, countless service- and now here.  No doubt they will be carried by the Savior through the rest of this journey and as a new reality sets in.  I'm grateful to know that, and I will pray for it in the days, months, and years to come.  There will be a little time to give them space, and then they will need us again.  We all need each other.

Today, like so many, I walk away a better person for knowing Atticus Eric Hansen.  Through him I vow to laugh a little longer, hug a little tigher, and love a little deeper.  Thanks for the lesson, fuzz ball. See you on the other side...I am forever changed.  We all are.